Happy Easter!! I hope your day was blessed and that you had time to reflect on the wonderful blessings afforded us by the newness of each new day, week, and season, especially the one of Spring. 

This has been an incredibly chaotic week. Our home is in shambles with the move prepping. We are busy every single day running here and there with our children to their various activities. Plus, on Friday, Lindsey and I were in a car accident. There were four of us and I was the the third vehicle hit. We are fine, just a bit sore, and it appears that our van is totaled. Ugh. It couldn’t be worse timing. I spend so many hours in it driving everyone and I’m not too sure how that’s going to work now. I have a rental until they make a decision, but that should be the first part of the week. I’m sure God has a plan, but it would be nice sometimes if he would let us in on it. 

More later.

The last two weeks have been crazy and it is taking it’s toll. Matthew played a song for me in the car today when I picked him up from work and I burst into tears. He just shook his head and said, “Are you crying?” it just spoke so much about what was in my heart today. After that one, he played another one that said something about “I’ll always be here for you.” I’m sure it wasn’t directed to me, but it felt very nice to just hear that. I’m sure that Matthew, like most people, just have no idea what to do with me. Half the time I don’t even know! So, today was hard. It was a day of too much running around, various projects that required way too much concentration, and too much I want (and need) to get done. Today was preceded by fourteen other days just like it, so I’m right about at the end of what I can handle. Today, I just felt the weight of all the months and stress since October. In so many ways, my life really started over at the beginning of November.

On the medication side, I’m up to 100mg of the anti-seizure one and just the same anti-depressant I’ve been on. I just barely started the doubled dose of anti-seizure med, so it’s not working yet. I am attempting to eat healthier and to drink more water. Aren’t I always trying to do that? The problem is that there’s no easy stopping point. If I eat better, then I need to drink more water, then I need to track what I eat, and exercise, and on and on. I think I wrote about this in my last post. I just don’t know how to stop myself from doing more and more. 

On a lighter note, due to Dwayne’s love of his job and my ongoing medical issues (that currently appear to have no explanation or end) we have decided to just stay here and call Arizona home and we have bought a house. It’s very nice and I am in love with it. I can see us living here for twenty or more years. It was the first house we really looked out and it had only been on the market three days. We made an offer, they accepted, and it’s been moving along at a rapid pace since. Our close day is April 26th, but we may be closing two weeks early. We need more time than five days to get out of this house and get it cleaned and into that house. It just all seems and feels very overwhelming to me. I’m trying to just take it a few hours at a time. I can’t even take in planning for a whole day. 

 

These are the colors we are going to be using for the new house… I’m not sure if I’m excited yet, but it feels like good news.

 

I went to a Relief Society activity at church tonight (Relief Society is the name of the women’s organization). It was fun and I slept until 11:17 today because I knew I had a couple of things that I needed to do today that would require extra concentration. I was okay during the dinner part, but once they started showing the videos (two) and someone did some reading (about five minutes), my head was throbbing and I needed to get out of there. I did stay though long enough for Lindsey to make a connection with one of the women so she can start taking piano lessons again (in trade for babysitting). She’s so excited and I’m really glad for her. 

However, now I need to go to bed and sleep for hours on end so that I can function tomorrow for Matthew’s 21st birthday. Yikes!!!

I haven’t posted in awhile. Actually, I haven’t even written in my journal. Last week turned out to be a too crazy, busy week. Friday night, I was so tired that I actually fell asleep around 4:30 in the afternoon and got up at about 9:30 Saturday morning. Dwayne teased me, but he was kind about it. I’m not even sure what we did, but I do know it involved too much running around and busy-ness.

I did get the chance to do some reading though, which was nice. Dwayne and I pick up books all the time at Goodwill and Savers and I found one a few weeks ago that looked interesting and, the best part? It’s only one and not part of a series! It’s called The Seven Rays by Jessica Bendinger (I think that’s her last name anyway). It has some questionable parts, but it has a wonderful message. 

Today I went to my second psychiatrist appointment. They are very short. I thought it would be a long drawn out process, but I really only spend about fifteen minutes with her. We went over my current symptoms and any issues with memory and concentration. Those two things can be affected by the anti-seizure meds. However, because I still have some tremors and head throbbing, she is doubling it, but leaving the antidepressants alone. I get to go back in six weeks. It will be a couple weeks after the first neurologist visit. That appointment won’t consist of much more than talking and coming up with a plan though for what testing they are going to do at the next few appointments. The psychiatrist did say something pretty funny to me at the end of our visit. She said, “I have no idea what your diagnosis is going to be.” She really is just trying to manage my symptoms, which she is doing a very good job of doing. 

For instance, Dwayne and I went to a movie and I only thought about the other people in the theater on the way out. Bam! I also went to church for the third week in a row and I got up and spoke in front of the congregation. I had to ask our Bishop to stand up with me, but I did it. I was shaking so bad afterward that I could barely get down the stairs. It was crazy.  I also felt super happy and huggy. I’ve never really been a huggy person, but I am just feeling it now. I am just so happy that my life is being given back to me. However, I am still not 100% and I am quite frightened that October could return. So, I am and Dwayne is trying to keep me from going back to being so busy. Last week was tough enough and we didn’t even really do anything, just a lot of extra running around and busy-ness. Honestly? I’m tired of the busy-ness of life. I don’t want to spend my time doing that anymore. I want to spend my time and energy doing the things that really matter to me and our family. 

Part of my journey has been the thought that God has only asked me to do five things – daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. All the rest is stuff that I choose to spend my time on. Granted, those five roles have a million things that I could spend my time and energy on, but I can narrow those down pretty easily. My goal is to focus on those five things and not worry about the rest. 

One thing that is interesting about all of this is that now, five months into it and feeling so much better, is that while I remember how I felt – all the anxiety, stress, and fear – I don’t feel it anymore. I’m concerned about that because I don’t want to forget what got me there, well, I guess we still don’t really know what that might have been. It has brought me a ton of compassion. I really have been very nonjudgemental in my life. I don’t judge those around me. I found yesterday at church that I was really aware at how people try to comfort themselves. A young mother to be was sitting next to me shaking her foot. I realized that something was wrong and leaned over to ask her if she was okay. Turns out she was having terrible morning sickness. I offered to get her some crackers from the nursery, but she said she had some with her, but was concerned about everyone would think. I told her to eat them and who cares what other people think. Why, oh why, do we cause ourselves additional pain or discomfort because we worry about what those around us might think? Ugh! No one notices us as much as we notice us. Honestly. I’m not lying to you.

Okay, off my soap box for tonight. Tomorrow’s post will be about my (lack) of scrapbooking last week. Have an incredible night!! 

This has been a weird week. I have been so busy, but not in the good kind of busy. I have spent just about every day this week running around – several Goodwill stores, other thrift shops (we are looking for two matching chairs), taking Dwayne’s car in for an oil change and new tires, going with him to work, picking up Matthew, and on and on. Just kind of regular stuff, but it is completely sapping my energy. I had to take a very long nap today, after going to bed at 7:30 last night. 

Dwayne asked me a question a couple of days ago, “What are you going to do when you get your head stuff all fixed?” It was a very gentle and innocent question, but I can’t get it out of my mind. I started considering my options and actually came up with a pretty solid idea, but it stressed me out. I nearly hyperventilated in the shower just thinking about it.  I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t even have any ideas about what I might want to do.

I did manage to call the neurosurgeon and set up an appointment. The first appointment will be about an hour to go over my records and to talk. Yippee. I’m not looking forward to that. Then, they will determine what course of action to take. This is, unfortunately, going to be quite a long process. 

Still. As in Be Still. I’m trying to remember that, but it keeps getting lost in what I “should” be doing or “want” to be doing. I just feel so lost right now. I don’t know what I can do and can’t – still. I’ve noticed that the things that used to make me have an anxiety attack now just make my head throb lightly. If I don’t do anything about it, then I feel trembly inside. I have managed to take a shower nearly every day this month though, so I am at least meeting that goal. I have no idea what my goal should be for March. I have always been a planner, but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I want to just say “let’s see what happens” and let it be, but my head keeps thinking and thinking and trying to come up with making a plan. 

I want to do something simple, creative, and that I would enjoy and would have a schedule I can live with, but I have no idea (right now) what that might be. I guess I really do have to “wait and let’s see.” Well, whether I like it or not. Bummer.

So, I wrote a few weeks ago or maybe it was last week about the new pans that Dwayne bought me and I wanted to say a little more about them. I’m sure you are all excited – a whole post about pots and pans? – I know. I’m thrilled too. So, while I was ecstatic to get them (our old ones were the nonstick kind and the nonstick stuff was all flaking off), they are a much larger set – physically larger. Oh, and heavy. I’ve never had such a heavy set of pots and pans. I’m getting a workout every single time I use them. Even the lids are heavy. They are shiny and pretty and I am even hand washing them. I have too much time on my hands. Even when we didn’t have a dishwasher, I would only do the dishes as the last resort, usually when all the dishes were dirty. I’m not kidding. Housework has never been a strong skill or interest. Now, of course, that it’s one of the few things I can do well, I’m finding all sorts of things to do to keep me busy around the house – like laundry, windows, and even [gasp] dusting. 

Back to the pots and pans, so because they are so much bigger, I have a hard time getting them in and out of the cabinet we have stored pots and pans in since we moved into this house. Not anymore. I decided this morning, while I was surfing around the internet, that I could probably do so with some purpose. I knew I needed to find a new place to store them. I would love to have a hanging pot rack over our island, but the ceiling there is about twenty-five feet high. Okay, not really, but probably twenty. Most of this house could probably have a second story. So, that’s out. I found a whole blog about kitchen storage ideas – including (drum roll please) pots and pans. Who knew?!? 

I have a few favorite ideas – the pot rack over the island, hanging them from hooks above the sink, and the one I actually did was to hang them on the wall. Really? You must be asking yourself, but they are some pretty pots and pans and they could be works of art. I really do like them that much. They are bright and shiny and silver. Yikes! I’ve never had such nice pots and pans. Plus! Oh yes, there’s more, the lids for the saucepans have two different spots with big and little holes for draining stuff. Oh. My. Stars. It’s an amazing feature! 

So, without further blathering on my part…here is what I did with them, in my actual kitchen and yes, I did even photograph them. Oh yes, my love affair with my new pots and pans is that serious. 

 

I should add, they are very good to cook with as well and I highly recommend them.

It snowed just two miles from our house today. Crazy!! It has been snowing off and on all day around Phoenix metro. They got a whole bunch on the east side – Scottsdale and Mesa especially hit hard. We only got an inch or so on this side, but they are warning about black ice in the morning. Yikes!