I haven’t posted in awhile. Actually, I haven’t even written in my journal. Last week turned out to be a too crazy, busy week. Friday night, I was so tired that I actually fell asleep around 4:30 in the afternoon and got up at about 9:30 Saturday morning. Dwayne teased me, but he was kind about it. I’m not even sure what we did, but I do know it involved too much running around and busy-ness.
I did get the chance to do some reading though, which was nice. Dwayne and I pick up books all the time at Goodwill and Savers and I found one a few weeks ago that looked interesting and, the best part? It’s only one and not part of a series! It’s called The Seven Rays by Jessica Bendinger (I think that’s her last name anyway). It has some questionable parts, but it has a wonderful message.
Today I went to my second psychiatrist appointment. They are very short. I thought it would be a long drawn out process, but I really only spend about fifteen minutes with her. We went over my current symptoms and any issues with memory and concentration. Those two things can be affected by the anti-seizure meds. However, because I still have some tremors and head throbbing, she is doubling it, but leaving the antidepressants alone. I get to go back in six weeks. It will be a couple weeks after the first neurologist visit. That appointment won’t consist of much more than talking and coming up with a plan though for what testing they are going to do at the next few appointments. The psychiatrist did say something pretty funny to me at the end of our visit. She said, “I have no idea what your diagnosis is going to be.” She really is just trying to manage my symptoms, which she is doing a very good job of doing.
For instance, Dwayne and I went to a movie and I only thought about the other people in the theater on the way out. Bam! I also went to church for the third week in a row and I got up and spoke in front of the congregation. I had to ask our Bishop to stand up with me, but I did it. I was shaking so bad afterward that I could barely get down the stairs. It was crazy. I also felt super happy and huggy. I’ve never really been a huggy person, but I am just feeling it now. I am just so happy that my life is being given back to me. However, I am still not 100% and I am quite frightened that October could return. So, I am and Dwayne is trying to keep me from going back to being so busy. Last week was tough enough and we didn’t even really do anything, just a lot of extra running around and busy-ness. Honestly? I’m tired of the busy-ness of life. I don’t want to spend my time doing that anymore. I want to spend my time and energy doing the things that really matter to me and our family.
Part of my journey has been the thought that God has only asked me to do five things – daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. All the rest is stuff that I choose to spend my time on. Granted, those five roles have a million things that I could spend my time and energy on, but I can narrow those down pretty easily. My goal is to focus on those five things and not worry about the rest.
One thing that is interesting about all of this is that now, five months into it and feeling so much better, is that while I remember how I felt – all the anxiety, stress, and fear – I don’t feel it anymore. I’m concerned about that because I don’t want to forget what got me there, well, I guess we still don’t really know what that might have been. It has brought me a ton of compassion. I really have been very nonjudgemental in my life. I don’t judge those around me. I found yesterday at church that I was really aware at how people try to comfort themselves. A young mother to be was sitting next to me shaking her foot. I realized that something was wrong and leaned over to ask her if she was okay. Turns out she was having terrible morning sickness. I offered to get her some crackers from the nursery, but she said she had some with her, but was concerned about everyone would think. I told her to eat them and who cares what other people think. Why, oh why, do we cause ourselves additional pain or discomfort because we worry about what those around us might think? Ugh! No one notices us as much as we notice us. Honestly. I’m not lying to you.
Okay, off my soap box for tonight. Tomorrow’s post will be about my (lack) of scrapbooking last week. Have an incredible night!!